Thursday, March 11, 2010

Mom's declining

So yesterday was tough.

I came down with the flu Sunday night, so I couldn't see Mom on Monday or Tuesday. I finally felt well enough, though, to go to hospice. They had told me that over the weekend she had begun to noticeably decline. Agitated restlessness and less lucidity when she was awake. So I wasn't expecting the best.

They had her in the bed in her room, and they said she'll probably have to stay there. That's major, as she's lived in her lift chair for the last five years, and doesn't feel nearly as comfortable anywhere else. But to keep her from getting up on her own while she's wobbly, and possibly fall, there's no alternative. They've increased all her palliative meds, so hopefully that'll help. She also had hardly eaten since Sunday, which made me feel bad. But I couldn't visit her while I was sick and possibly infectious, so not much of a choice there.

I tried to gently wake her when I got there. She held my hand and struggle up as if she was going to get out of bed. Then she looked at me bleary-eyed, and in the smallest voice I've ever heard from her, she said, "Can I go home now?" Oh, Mom.

The nurse asked me when they should call me, as her breathing was getting worse, too. I said they should do so when they thought best. They're better at knowing when that time is near than I would be. It's going to be soon.

As someone I talked to said, it's like I've already lost her, since she's nowhere like her normal self. She's almost an animated shell now. I hope it's soon, for her sake, b/c no matter how many meds they give her, I don't think she'll be completely comfortable anymore. Let her be with Dad and Aunt Kathryn and all her family and friends. They're'll be a lot more love in heaven when she gets there.

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1 comment:

  1. I visit your site about once a week. I don't think I've ever commented but I guess it's about time I break my silence.
    I was saddened to read this post because I know how difficult losing a parent is, even after a long period of poor health and suffering. Losing a second parent can be just as difficult. The best we can do is to turn it into a celebration of life and learn as much as we can from it, both about ourselves and our dear ones.
    I recieved two cards that I like to share with people who go through these tough times.
    I don't know you so I obviously don't love you but here's the first card:
    When there are no words...
    know that the silences are carrying the thoughts
    and prayers of all who love you.
    Think about that later on.
    Ther second card is a great quote from Rose Kennedy - a woman who knew a thing or two about grief.
    Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever remains to them?
    Well there you go. Hope it helps and you can get through this time of your life as well as can be expected. Chin up.
    Scot, in Colorado


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