A year without Mom

Gosh, it's hard to believe it was a year ago today that Mom passed. Wasn't sure how I'd be doing today, but it was OK. Probably helped that I took a couple of road trips this weekend.

Saturday went to Bunnell, then up and over to A1A and south. Couldn't figure why there were so many bikers on the road, then found out it was Bike Week. Waah, traffic!

Sunday I went oppositely, to Davenport, Haines City, Winter Garden and Lake Wales. Finally got to see Bok Tower, which is pretty amazing. Mom and I got there on one of our last trips, but it was 6 pm when we arrived, so the gates were closed. I know she was with me as I finally got to see the tower and the grounds.

Oh, and goat milk fudge! So when I used to go down to Miami regularly, I'd mostly use US 27, 'cause it's cheaper and more scenic than the Turnpike. I used to pass this place that sold goat milk fudge, and always meant to get some, but never did. In recent trips, I saw it was still there. Yesterday I at last stopped there and got some. Webb's Candy Factory, it is. Fudge tasted good, not at all goaty. And I highly recommend getting ice cream. One scoop is nearly a pint! And for 2.95, not bad.

Nearly 600 photos got, and several more stamps in my Florida State Parks passport. Two-thirds done, huzzah!

Anyway, there have been ups and downs this past year, but mostly I've muddled through. What the future brings, that'll be interesting.

Bye-bye Mom

She passed away this morning. First I got a call that they gave her Tylenol, since she was getting warm. Then not long after, they called to tell me she had passed. It was completely peaceful, since she'd remained asleep the last few days. Thank you, God, for taking her so gently. Love you, Mom, miss you and someday (long in the future, I'm sure) we'll be together again.

Decline continues

Now Mom is asleep, and she can't be woken up. Her meds are now administered sub-lingually (meaning they use liquid, spread it on her gums and it's absorbed into her system). She can't eat or drink anything now, so obviously she'll be gone soon.

But she's not uncomfortable anymore, and that's a blessing. She very much wanted not to have her life prolonged if her quality of life wasn't good, and she's been feeling worse and worse, even with the meds, for days and days. I believe this is God's way of gently guiding her into heaven.

I will miss her and miss her, but she's not suffering, and that's what's best for her, and everything's going with her wishes and beliefs. I'm spending as much time down there as I can, 'cause I should be there when that time comes.

Mom's declining

So yesterday was tough.

I came down with the flu Sunday night, so I couldn't see Mom on Monday or Tuesday. I finally felt well enough, though, to go to hospice. They had told me that over the weekend she had begun to noticeably decline. Agitated restlessness and less lucidity when she was awake. So I wasn't expecting the best.

They had her in the bed in her room, and they said she'll probably have to stay there. That's major, as she's lived in her lift chair for the last five years, and doesn't feel nearly as comfortable anywhere else. But to keep her from getting up on her own while she's wobbly, and possibly fall, there's no alternative. They've increased all her palliative meds, so hopefully that'll help. She also had hardly eaten since Sunday, which made me feel bad. But I couldn't visit her while I was sick and possibly infectious, so not much of a choice there.

I tried to gently wake her when I got there. She held my hand and struggle up as if she was going to get out of bed. Then she looked at me bleary-eyed, and in the smallest voice I've ever heard from her, she said, "Can I go home now?" Oh, Mom.

The nurse asked me when they should call me, as her breathing was getting worse, too. I said they should do so when they thought best. They're better at knowing when that time is near than I would be. It's going to be soon.

As someone I talked to said, it's like I've already lost her, since she's nowhere like her normal self. She's almost an animated shell now. I hope it's soon, for her sake, b/c no matter how many meds they give her, I don't think she'll be completely comfortable anymore. Let her be with Dad and Aunt Kathryn and all her family and friends. They're'll be a lot more love in heaven when she gets there.

The scenicest road in the county?

So I'm going down every day to the hospice house near Lady Lake where Mom is. When I leave from work, I've been going the slightly longer, but more soul-soothing, roads. And I've stumble on one of the prettiest I've seen anywhere. You can be the judge. It's on the county's scenic roads list.

The time is near, I fear

I took Mom into a hospice house today. She went in one last week, but wasn't comfortable there. But things have progressed such that she decided to go again and stay for a while this time. The way things are going, I really don't think she'll be coming back out again. Whether it's the cancer or something else, I think this is it. I'll muddle through somehow, and thank God for all the good times we've had, and the memories I'll treasure of them. More as I know more.

Flashback

So I'm starting this new feature, which will be at least monthly. It's for guys who were popular years ago, and may or may not still be. We'll start with Scott Bakula, who turns 55 today.

The first thing I ever saw him in (as did many others) was the late 80s/early 90s series Quantum Leap. It was one of my favorite shows at the time. There was such a variety of stories, and well-written. And then there's Scott. Not pretty, not classically handsome, per se, but attractive nonetheless. Plus he sings. And the show oftimes had him shirtless, which was always a bonus. He did other stuff after, including the lead on Enterprise, but he'll always be Sam Beckett, to me. He's aging well too, almost looking better now than he did during Quantum Leap.

True story. A few years ago, my mom said I looked like him. Which is better than saying I look like John Lennon. Which I've had happen, and I ask what drugs the people are on. Anyway, I told mom that it was the nicest thing anyone ever said to me, since I think Scott's so hot. That, I'll take.

GAY ROLES: American Beauty